It's almost like we're having two Christmases.
One of them is ours, and one of them is the one we're trying to create for the people we love.
The thing is that I think these could be the same Christmas — or at least the same kind of Christmas — but the temporal nature of the holiday makes it difficult.
I mean temporal in both senses of the word, of course; the one that means "bound by time" and the one that means "worldly and secular." It seems obvious, at least on the surface, that these two definitions work in tandem to give us the kind of holiday that no one really wants.
The kind that's performance-based, not process-based.
The kind that I am frantically trying to make happen for my parents and nephew and extended family, not the kind that L and I are quietly making on our own.
There is a certain amount of holiday-related stuff that has to be made to happen if you want it to be part of your celebration. Trees must be retrieved, either from the tree farm or the internet or the box in the basement. Gifts must be purchased. Food must be purchased, or made, or (in most cases) both. Matching pajamas must be ordered online, in the correct sizes, ideally in time to take advantage of Black Friday discounts.
But what you're really trying to make happen is the feeling — and I'm not even sure what the feeling is, except maybe I love all of this, or I love our home, I love our life, I love you, which is what L and I have been saying to each other every evening as we sit in front of our tree and our stockings and our fire.
Last Sunday I told L that I'd already had everything I ever hoped to get out of Christmas, just in that past weekend, with him and me together. We were sitting down to one of our favorite meals, with a very good bottle of wine (by which I mean a $12 bottle of wine, don't get any ideas) and for dessert we had peppermint bark and English toffee that I'd stirred together earlier that afternoon. We'd made origami stars and worn flannel pajamas. We'd gotten in the car to drive around town to see the lights.
We'd even given each other small gifts, since we had an Advent calendar that we'd been filling with love notes and music suggestions and ideas for holiday activities and, in this particular weekend's case, small gifts.
"This is everything I ever wanted Christmas to be," I said. "What are we supposed to do for the rest of December?"
L smiled. "More of this."
The thing about the kind of holiday that L and I are currently having, the kind that is based primarily on "doing stuff we already like to do, but Christmas-themed," is that you can have it every day — and you might not even get tired of it.
I mean, if it all comes down to "making food you enjoy, wearing attractive and comfortable clothes, enjoying wine and conversation and doing something creative, all while giving the people you love regular reminders that you love them," then the only difference between Christmas and real life is the former's tendency towards excess.
Not just "making food you enjoy," but stuffing yourself with it.
Not just "wearing attractive clothes," but stuffing yourself into velvet and sparkles.
Not just "giving someone a reminder that you love them," but spending a pile of money on stuff they may or may not actually want.
And — probably the most important part — not doing any of this together. Dictating, to your partner or family or extended family, what Christmas Should Be — and then performing it as if it were a school pageant.
Which brings me to the Other Christmas.
"This is our first Christmas with my family," I told L, as we unloaded the dishwasher together. "I don't want to mess it up."
Messing it up, in this case, could mean any or all of the following:
Not sending gifts on time (which is already going to happen, since two of the items we ordered from small, indie retailers are experiencing shipping delays)
Not wrapping the gifts very well (in my family, I am known for being The One Who Is Bad At Wrapping Presents)
Not getting holiday cards out quickly enough, even though I've already told my extended family not to expect any cards until New Year's
Not being on time for the Family Present Unwrapping Zoom Call
Not being able to get the tech to work for the Family Present Unwrapping Zoom Call
Wearing the wrong thing during the Family Present Unwrapping Zoom Call
Saying the wrong thing during the Family Present Unwrapping Zoom Call
And so on.
It's worth noting that these anxieties (like most anxieties?) are entirely self-inflicted; my family has already told me that it doesn't matter if the presents don't arrive on time, for example, because their presents probably aren't going to arrive on time either. That said, I still want to live up to whatever it means to be a daughter and an aunt and a sister and a niece during Christmas. There's a way to do this that isn't a performance (and one of my hopes for this year is to figure that part out, with L's help), but since so much of Christmas tends towards the performative — the deliberate appreciation of gifts at the beginning of the day and food at the end of it, for example — it's hard not to worry that you're going to fail to deliver.
There would be much less concern about failure if we were not working towards a targeted Big Day with its Big Experiences that will be remembered and discussed for years to come. If we could do the family Christmas the way we're doing our at-home Christmas — as a series of small joys passed between people who are still learning what brings each other joy — that would be something else entirely.
A different kind of memory, though it might require a different kind of discussion in advance.
You know how every new couple is all "I wish we could make our own Christmas traditions," except there's always someone else's calendar of traditions that is already taking up all the time and space and energy?
This year there is no calendar. L and I are making our own holiday, one that feels literally holy, by asking each other what we want to do, doing it together and letting it take take the time it takes.
The minute we realized that "decorating the tree" was starting to feel like a chore, for example, we switched over to "hey, let's just put one or two ornaments up every night." (We're also telling each other the story of every ornament as we put it up, which is turning out to be an excellent way of learning new things about each other and about our respective families.)
L and I also decided, pretty early on, that we wanted to spread the presents out over the entire month, just like we spread our favorite Thanksgiving dishes out over the entire four-day weekend. Not only does that give us more time to enjoy each individual gift, but it also gives us the option to refine and iterate as we see how each gift is received.
And I know that the whole "let things take the time they take" and "figure out what you want to do together" business might not work as well when you've got more people in your home, with needs and wants that are more likely to compete with each other and with the limited amount of time we actually have available to us, as much as L and I are trying to pretend otherwise.
If you only have two hours to get the tree up between all of the other stuff (holiday or otherwise) that usually fills up the calendar, you force that tree into position even if you spent the entire year wishing that this task could feel more like something you were sharing with your family and less like something that you had to cajole and/or rush everyone through.
So yeah, I get why the kind of Christmas L and I are discovering together, tucked away from time and from the world, might not work as well in other types of situations. But it seems like it could, if people who love each other could agree to care enough to figure out how.
Because that's the only kind of holiday I ever want, from now on.
There's one more thing I need to tell you.
As soon as L and I started making Christmas happen — both the holiday we are creating for ourselves and the parts of the holiday we are creating for other people — we stopped making anything else.
I'm not writing in the evenings. L isn't studying jazz. We've given up on Godel, Escher, Bach. We're still practicing the piano, and we're still playing chess, but all of our other various creative activities have been displaced by the activity of creating Christmas.
Even our delicate, beautiful, private Christmas takes effort — if you want to know how to delight someone, you have to pay very close attention — and even something as simple as sitting in front of the fireplace and saying "I love this house, I love my life, I love you" takes time.
This is the choice we are making, because this is the time of year to make it.
This is also, perhaps, why one cannot actually have Christmas all year long.
Why it needs to be temporal, in at least one sense of the word — because the other thing people often realize, at the end of holiday stories, is that there is more to life than this.
"It's Christmas Day! I didn't miss it!" they say, by which they mean I got the feeling I was supposed to have, the one that comes when you give and receive joy.
And then they start asking themselves what they're going to do next.